Behind The Curtains
by Tomosan
Summary: Ever wonder what the Gundam characters are like when their not on screen? Well ok maybe you don't, but we do. Find out what happens when Tomosan's two Author's go behind the curtains and get more then they bargained for. PLEASE reveiw!
1. Default Chapter

Behind the Curtains

Disclaimer: We lost our minds a bag of pixie sticks and 2 Mountain Dews ago. 

I love it when people put funny little poems up on their disclaimer, so I'm trying one.

This is our disclaimer

As you can see

So remember dear reader

It belongs to WE. ( SHUT UP PEOPLE! IT'S POETIC JUSTICE!!!!) 

Content Warning!: This hints at gay people, but doesn't get graphic. Mild cuss words. Violent words are censored, minimal violence. Warning, we are going to bash all the pilots and Relena, not just the ones we hate, so this is for every one. Don't flame us about being unfair, because we are trying to dose out the bashing as fair as possible.

On to the story….

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Outside the filming sight for "Gundam Wing"

" Err….. Do you really think this will work?" Loonquil mutters nervously as he and Shi-sama stand in front of a door marked " Authorized personal only" in bold black letters. "Yeah, of course it will! I don't think, I know ! " She grins in triumph. " I don't think you know either." Loonquil mutters under his breath, unfortunately her hearing chose that moment to kick into hyperdrive. " What?" Her eyes glint angrily as she clenches her fist, so hard it breaks her pencil, thoughts of grabbing one of the movie cameras nearby and beating Loonquil with it flitted past her thought field. Loonquil, picking up her evil thoughts, quickly tried to make amends to no avail. " Eh heheheheheh" He laughed sweatdropping nervously. " Besides our disguises are PERFECT! I even got a hat" Shi-sama was referring to the trenchcoat, bottlecoke glasses and pen and pad reporter look. Loonquil thought she went a bit overboard with the cockeyed hat with the huge "PRESS" card stuck in it, ok maybe WAY overboard. " I still don't think it will work." He said in exasperation as she sauntered up to the door. " Whatever." She said flippantly, and knocked swiftly on the door.

" See!" She said excitedly, as the door unlocked. " UH I dunno Shi…." Loonquil muttered staring at the person who answered the door. " Huh?…. " She turned abruptly and ran into possibly the biggest guy she had ever seen. Her stared down at her from his immense height, his eyes hidden by a pair of pitch black sunglasses. " I'm sorry there is no press in here at this time, ya gotta wait out front." He said in a deep masculine voice. "yea. Heheheh, right. Were leaving" Shi says weakly, her eye twitching nervously, Grabbing Loonquil she calmly walks around the corner, as soon as he is out of sight she faints.

10 minutes later 

" Er.. Shi.. wake up." Loonquil bent over his comrade, shaking her. Her eyes fluttered open, and she stared at him. Suddenly she bolted up " Stop shaking me dammit. I was awake!" She yelled, pushing him away. Peeking around the corner she saw the security guard standing his duty. " Erg. Feh. Pliff" She proceeded to make several contemptuous sounds with her lips. " Dang, We haffta get by HIM." she muttered in disgust. "Aw. Come on, lets go home and watch it on TV, this isn't worth the trouble." Loonquil muttered standing up to walk away. "NO I wanna do this!! And we're doin' it together, got it!?" She yells grabbing him and shaking him by his shirt. " Jeez ok don't have fit.." Loonquil protests putting his hands up in surrender. " I'M NOT HAVIN' A FIiiiittt……" She suddenly smiled, a lightbulb going on over her head. Uh oh Loonquil thought in horror, when she got Ideas, bad things usually followed. " Come on.. just follow my lead 'k?" It was more of a command then a question, Loon really had no choice, so he obediently followed her.

As they walked towards the building ( by the way, they ditched the costumes) Shi suddenly grabbed her chest and fell screaming to the ground. From there she proceeded to go into a very convincing epileptic fit. Loon, having no idea she was going to do this, just stood there. " Hey idiot, a little help?" Shi hisses, breaking Loon from his trance." oh yeah." He muttered. Then in a picture of true angst and fear, he flung his arms in the air, and started to scream " OH MY GAWD SHE'S HAVING A FIT!!! SOMEONE HELP!! IT MUST BE SUN STROKE I GOTTA GET HER INSIDE!!!" Luckily the guard proved more brawn then brains and proceeded to do the worst possible thing to do to a person having a fit, moving her, or in this case flinging her over his shoulder. Loonquil followed him inside. As soon as the guard put Shi down she took off running, draggin' Loonquil behind her, leaving the red faced guard behind. " Over here!" she said tearing around a corner and flinging open a door.

Inside much to their bad luck, was a bunch of burly guards, eating donuts and watching a movie they probably shouldn't have been watching. "Er…" Both authors muttered 

" Wrong room" and turned to walk out the door. About a second or two later, as they calmly walked away, a angry shout was heard behind them " HEY WAIT A MINUTE YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!" " RUN!!!!" she yelled grabbing Loon and dashing around the corner, right into a an unmoving object that proved to be the security guard. He picked them up by their necks and smiled sadistically, seeming to have fun seeing how many shades they would turn as he squeezed. Moments later, they found them selves literally thrown outside, Loon landing first, and thus dampening Shi's descent by providing himself as a pillow.

Dazed she shook her head and glanced down a Loon who was turning pink. " Oh thank you for saving me. How considerate." She smiled, patting his head like he was a faithful dog. " No….problem…but….could…you… get…off?" He managed to gasp out. " Are you trying to call me fat? " she demanded in anger. "No ..Sitting …on …lungs …can't…breath.." Loon gasped, turning a darker red. " I can't believe you called me fat!!!" She yelled arms crossed, totally ignoring his pleas for air. Glancing down she smiled in appreciation for the rich plum color his face was turning, and beginning to wonder if she should see how many colors he would turn or get off. Well better go with the latter, I just CAN'T kill off my co-author, who helps me write these great stories… But as that thought dawned on her, she thought a little harder about it Then again…Nah I don't want his blood on me.

"Look, you called me fat, and don't try to deny it, so say you're sorry, and please, and I may get off." She said smiling sweetly. " Sorry…Please" He gagged. " What ? I can't hear you!!" " SORRY….PLEASE!" He managed to yell. " Oh, apology accepted, Now what do you say?" She smiled moving enough to allow some air, turning him several shades lighter. " I…said Please… Already" He gagged, trying to breath. " With what on top?" Shi teased. Loon had had enough " WITH LOTS OF FREAKIN' SUGER AND A DAMNED CHERRY ON TOP OKAY!!!" He screamed. " My my, aren't we in a bad mood, if that's the way you're gonna be I'll move" she said feigning hurt and moved off of him, he gasped, the spots in front of his eyes disappearing, as his life no longer flashed in front of him.

5 minutes later.

Shi was pacing up and down in thought, trying to come up with a way to get by the guard. Suddenly two voices emerged followed by their owners. The man and woman were wearing brightly colored jackets with the words "Make-up crew" printed on them.

" We're in luck, they're just our size!!" Shi laughs pointing to them. " Oh. No. You are NOT getting me to wear that." Loonquil refused pointing at the male's outfit. It consisted of a neon green beret, a hot pink silk shirt, green pants and a yellow and white polka dotted scarf. " Aw. Come on don't you want to sacrifice yourself for your art?" Shi said laughing. " Myself, yes, my manhood, no." Loon said shaking his head. " What do ya mean 'your manhood'?" Shi asked confused. " Um.. Can't you tell he's a wee bit HAPPY!!" Loon yelled in her ear. " Yeah so, just smile a lot." Shi said confused and not quite getting what he was saying (slow reaction time) Loonquil sighed and smacked himself in the head in exasperation. " What's wrong with being happy? Come on, we don't have all day." She said, preparing to ambush her victims. " Why me?" Loonquil moaned. 

As the two makeup artists drew near, a couple pairs of arms reached out and grabbed them. After a few muffled yells and lots of struggle, Loon and Shi emerged dressed as the artists. Loon wore the aforementioned clothing, Shi wore a black oversized sweater that served as a dress, red tights and knee high black boots. " Alrighty then. Let's go. Remember I'll buy you two 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew when we're done. K" Shi said grabbing Loons arm and hauling him to the guard. " Identification, please." The guard ordered. They handed over their cards, and he looked at them comparing the two to the pictures. " Uh.. this say's your supposed to be 5' 11", you aren't that tall." The guard pointed out to Loonquil. " Uh I was….. standing on my…. Tippy toes, yeah that's it!!" Loon laughed nervously. "hmm" The guard murmured, finally after what seemed like hours, he nodded. " Oh ok, but are you sure I haven't seen you before?" He asked. Loon looked at Shi, Shi looked at him and they turned back and shook their heads. " Nope, not at all, never seen us before." They said. "Oh ok then you can go.." He said moving so they could get through. Home free Shi thought, but was stopped short by the guards yell. " HEY WAIT. I DO KNOW YOU!!, YOU'RE THOSE TWO…" Shi decided to take drastic actions and did the first thing that came to her mind. Waving her hands wildly in the air, she screamed with glee "OH MY GAWD LOOK!! IT'S JUDY GARLAND!!!!"

The guard whipped around "WHAT!? WHERE?!" He yelled. " There, she was turning the corner, ya better hurry before you miss her!!" Shi yelled pointing down the street. The guard took off running, holding a pen and paper and yelling " OH Miss Garland!!! Can I have your autograph!?!?!" . They watched as he veered around the corner still yelling.

" Um… Pardon me for asking, but...Er…Isn't she dead?" Loonquil asked turning to a very smug Shi-sama. " No. Really?" She asked, feigning surprised, " I just saw her yesterday getting gas with Elvis, and she looked so…alive!" She broke out in laughter as they made their way to the dressing rooms. " You are sooo mean." Loonquil said. " Me? Mean? How ever did think of that?" She laughed placing her hand on her chest and acting horrified. Loon mumbled something under his breath and started to go into the guys dressing room. " Oh!! Loon, don't forget to smile, gotta be happy you know!!" She laughed back at him. Loon smiled a really patronizing and sarcastic smile and flashed her the thumbs up, before turning to go inside. This better be worth it, I don't get paid enough as it is He muttered, rolling his eyes as he slammed the door behind him.

And so the gates of Hell were opened…. 

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Shi-sama's interview.

Shi-sama took a deep breath and flung open the dressing room door, burying her hands on her hips as if to say " I'm the Queen, you maggots will bow down and worship me!" she glared down at everyone in the small dingy room. The inhabitants of the room glanced up from their card playing and snacking to sarcastically raise their eyebrows at Shi-sama's show of superiority. A couple chuckled and exchanged private glances, others just stared. Shi-sama was unaware that they were staring at her, therefore she felt right at home, completely in the dark. Suddenly an explosion from the room next door knocked her hat off. She then realized that the lights were indeed on and her hat had fallen over her eyes. " Che, I knew I shouldn't have bought a hat two sizes too large!" She muttered picking up the fallen article and jammed it into her Hyperbolic antivisual emptyspace storage compartment ( or basically thin air ). 

Only then did she realize the people staring at her were none other than Relena, Duo and Wufei. In her sudden realization of the fact, she failed to remember that Duo and Wufei were supposed to be male, and therefore should not be in the female dressing room. But being Shi-sama, she was too excited about meeting them for the first time. As she skipped over and put out her hand to shake, Relena flung a empty bottle of sake at her. " WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL @%#!&*$ DAY! GET YOUR @&^%$# @%#!&*$ @%^ OVER HERE AND PUT ON MY @%#!&*$ MAKEUP! YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING @%#!&*$ ^&@*) " She screamed. " I sure hope this one is better then the last one, she chipped my nails!!!!" Wufei muttered as he….er she(?) flipped her pigtail over her shoulder.

"No bleep" Duo replied, and suddenly realized something was wrong with her sentence " Bleep bleep bleeping bleep! Why the bleep are my bleeping comments censored!?" She bleeped " ( turns to authors) Hey! Yell isn't even a bleeping cussword." Suddenly the head of the dubber appeared in the doorway, "That's because we have yet to shut off your censor." He then dodged a expertly aimed dressing table that was aimed for his head. " This is bleeping injustice!" Duo yelled. Wufei jumped up and glared at Duo, her hands sassily placed on her hips." Hey that's like my line, @&%#*, K." She said jerking her head in the typical valley girl fashion. " Yeah? Care to fight about it?" Duo replied. " Comin' at ya, I'll scratch your eyes out." Wufei yelled, bringing her hands up to her chest, her palms open, to which Duo followed suit. They then proceeded to cat fight.

" Relena you're the peace maker! Stop them!!!" Shi-sama yelled as the fight continued. Relena glanced over at Shi-sama, shrugged and lit a Mickey, ( somewhere in Disneyland, Mickey look-alikes started screaming.) " Why the hell should I? I only play the part, not live it." She replied " Besides this is @%#!&*$ funny!" She then proceeded to laugh hysterically as the two went at it. The fight continued for about five more minutes until tragedy struck. " OH MY GAWD!!! I LOST A CONTACT!!" Duo screamed, grabbing her eyes in horror. When she opened them on of her eyes that had takin' the love of many girl fans, had turned brown. Upon Seeing this, Wufei exclaimed, "I knew they were fake." She then pulls of Duo's clip on earrings. Then she rips off Duo's supposedly fake nails. Duo cries out in pain, "You bleeping idiot, those weren't fake!" while blood sprays from her finger tips. At the sight of the bloody mess, Wufei screams repeatedly, "I hate blood!"

At this moment, the producer walks in. Everyone freezes as he says. "We start filming in 10 minutes." Wufei, Duo, and Relena freak out and grab Shi-sama in udder horror, shaking her screaming cusswords and jumbled sentences that some what sounded like ' get my makeup on now!!' or maybe it was ' my pig is fat ' or perhaps even ' Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two is four. That granted, all else follows' but we're getting off the subject. Shi-sama, who never put makeup on any one, frantically stared to smear, clamp, blush and rub various products on their faces. Duo screamed incoherently as Shi-sama poured eye drops in his already sore eyes, only then did she realize that she didn't have eye drops in her hands, but nail polish remover. Despite her inexperience with makeup art, she finished in record time and stood back admiring her handy work.

" Not bad if I say so myself." She did indeed say. The actors cautiously approached the mirrors. "Weeelll??" Shi asked. Her inquiry was met with the sound of a new clip being loaded into a Tommy gun. Shi-sama opened her eyes to see that Relena had a huge Tommy gun aimed at her head. It seemed to Shi-sama that they didn't care for her work. " Nani?…" Shi-sama muttered her eyes nervously twitching to the shocked Wufei and Duo to the really pissed Relena and back again. " Don't you like iiiiiiiit!?!?!" Shi-sama wailed, her eyes filling up with tears. " Hell no! I look like a @%#!&*$ cast member from Cats !!!" Relena screamed, cocking the gun. " Now that you mention it, you do kinda look like one." Shi-sama said, but proceeded to laugh nervously as Relena's eye's narrowed " D..Don't you think it looks..er..cool?" Relena's response to this consisted of a hail of bullets, that in typical Anime style, Shi-sama managed to dodge.

With a horrified scream, Shi-sama fled from the room from a strategically placed door. She ran down the hallway, closely followed by Relena and her Tommy gun( Not to mention Duo and Wufei, who by this time had overcome their initial shock). Dashing around the corner into the studio restaurant, right into the chaos created by Loonquil moments before. Loonquil seemed to be saying something to a really irritated Trowa ( if that was humanly possible) when she came in. " RUN LOONQUIL RUN!!!" She yelled reverting to slow motion.

But that is only part of the story…..

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To be continued, hopefully… J Please Please review!!!! I'm begging you!!! Arigoto minna!!! Aishiteru! Sayanora!! Shi-sama J 


	2. Loonquil's Interviews

Part II: Loonquil's interviews

Disclaimer:I do not take responsibility for this writing, as it was dictated to me by a rather clever squirrel that happens to like Gundam Wing, regardless of any views or opinions in this fic.

While Shi-sama was wreaking havoc on Relena, Duo, and Wufei, Loonquil decided to search the studio restaurant for Gundam pilots, and maybe even a sandwich. (not much chance of finding one of those}Upon entering the restaurant, Loonquil sees Heero, Quatra and Trowa sitting, oddly enough, at a table."Let's see, what was I planning on saying to them?" he thought, desperately trying to remember what Shi-Sama had told him to say."Oh yeah," he remembered as he approached.

"Hello", Loonquil said, feeling proud that he remembered to say it.In response to this friendly greeting, Heero pulled out a 9mm pistol and began firing multiple shots in Loonquil's general direction.As Loonquil dives for cover behind a nearby table, Quatra calls out "Don't mind Heero.That's just his way of saying 'hi'."Just as Loonquil thought it was safe to get up Heero reloads and fires again.Trowa, noticing Loonquil's uneasiness, says, "He must be happy to see you.He usually only fires a few shots.""Great", Loonquil mutters, "I knew I shouldn't have worn the makeup guy's clothes."

Forty-five minutes later Heero runs out of ammo for his pistol.Just as Loonquil is about to sit down, a fly buzzes over Heero's head."That fly is annoying.I'm going to kill it," Heero declares coldly.Quatra, drawing a sword, replies in his typical whiny voice, "I can't let you harm that innocent creature."Heero parries Quatra's attack with his fly swatter, and grabs a nearby beam-rifle.Firing at point blank range, he manages to miss in traditional anime fashion and detonate a nearby table.Meanwhile, at yet another nearby table, a cameraman swats the pesky fly.Upon seeing this, Quatra, vowing to fight for the honour of the departed fly, pulls out a submachine gun and fires a burst in the direction of the cameraman.

Loonquil decides that this would be a good time to go buy a can of Mountain Dew.As he inserts a second quarter into the machine, a large explosion echoes from the other room, and a rain of debris flies through the door.Loonquil decides that maybe he should stay and get another can.He returns to the restaurant to find that Heero and Quatra, having expended all their ammo, are now viciously poking each other with forks.

"I see you went to the vending machine," Trowa notes.Loonquil, feeling the need to defend his actions, replies, "Well I was thirsty."Trowa, slipping into his icy monotone voice, says "Tactically that was the right thing to do.You were thirsty, had money, and were near a vending machine...A textbook perfect maneuver.However you underestimated the restaurant's coffee."Loonquil, irritated by Trowa's condescending manner, angrily replies, "How is any of that relevant.I got something to drink, probably cheaper than the restaurant's coffee.""But at what cost," cries Trowa. "You are no longer thirsty, and will never again get a chance to taste the coffee.This tactical blunder will cause you great problems in later battles."

Loonquil was about to respond to this when Shi-Sama burst through the door, followed by a machine gun wielding pacifist who wasn't looking very peaceful at the moment.In fact she looked more like a Cats member than a gun-wielding pacifist.Although, since she was wielding a machine gun, that isn't a very accurate description.It would probably be more accurate to say that she looked like a gun-wielding cat that was trying to be a pacifist and was failing.In other words, she was pissed.

Despite the Cats style makeup job, Heero recognizes the machine gun wielding pacifist as none other than Relena.Grabbing a 9mm pistol that was mysteriously unnoticed in any of the previous fights, charges towards her yelling, "I'm going to kill you Relena!"Relena aims her Tommy gun at Heero and screams, "You'll kill me…over my dead body!"Loonquil is about to point out the absurdity of Relana's last statement, when Shi-sama grabs him and drags him into an adjoining room.

As the battle rages on, Loonquil commandeers a computer and proceeds to log into the fanfiction.net account.Thirty minutes later, as the combatants in the nearby restaurant begin to run out of ammo, Loonquil and Shi-sama have uploaded their reports, and are ready to leave.As they walk into the restaurant, they see a large mob of angry Gundam Wing fans, and studio personnel blocking all exits.Wufei breaks a nail, and begins to cry.The mob's numbers are reduced as both of her fans rush over to comfort her.Shi-sama, deciding that the mob looks hostile, says, "Let's get in that gundam and fight our way out of here."Loonquil, wondering what "gundam" she is referring to, looks around and notices a prop in the corner."Don't you think it looks a little two-dimensional?" he asks sarcastically."I don't see what you're trying to get at," Shi-sama replies, looking confused.Loonquil, annoyed by Shi-sama's failure to see the obvious, yells, "It's a freaking piece of cardboard!"Shi-sama, finally getting the point, replies, "Well how do we get out of here then?"

As the angry mob closes in on the authors, Loonquil has a sudden inspiration.Turning his back on the mob, he pulls out several dozen small pieces of tin foil from his pocket.As he turns around again, he tosses the tin foil at the crowd while yelling, "Look, it's shiny!!"Loonquil and Shi-sama slip out in the chaos that ensues.By the time the mob begins to regain its usual order, the authors have found a spaceship (there's always one of these things lying around) and are orbiting the Earth.

Shi-sama, realizing that the mob would hunt them down as soon as they landed, decides to make a giant baking soda bomb and destroy the mob with it.She gets a bomb casing out and begins filling it with baking soda.Loonquil, worried that she might make too powerful of an explosive, tells her, "I think that's enough baking soda."Shi-sama agrees, and starts pouring nitroglycerin, gunpowder, and every other explosive she can find.Ignoring Loonquil's protests, she drops the bomb on the studio.A very large explosion rocks the ship, and as the smoke clears, the earth is nowhere to be seen.Delighted by her handiwork, Shi-sama says, "Well, looks like we took care of them.No one can stop us now, we're the only ones left."She then begins laughing hysterically.Loonquil, looking confused, asks, "Then who is going to read our fic?"Shi-sama abruptly falls silent, and for once she does not have an answer.

Well that's our story, and we're sticking to it.Hope you enjoyed it, but if not, we're glad to have wasted your time.


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